In a Pickle

My heart is heavy.  Have you ever felt that?  Words can't describe it well, but it is an unmistakable feeling.

Honestly, I feel like I made a mistake.  I big one.  I've been praying for something for years, and this past month I just gave up and decided to take it in my own hands instead of waiting on the Lord.  I mean it has been years - what is He waiting for!  Where's this "hope and a future" I was promised in Jeremiah 29:11? 

Now I regret my decision.  It just doesn't feel right.  And that feeling of loss was almost instant.  I feel like I've lost what God had been building in me through patience.  I feel like I lost whatever else was actually planned for me.

Nothing bad has happened, and maybe nothing will.  Maybe this is what God would have had me do anyway.  After all, the pieces were falling into place.  Slowly.  I just couldn't wait.  I couldn't stand the mystery.  My fear is that in my haste I traded God's plan for mine.  I traded His unexplainable provision for the security of the explainable!  And knowing how Good and Perfect and Powerful my God is, I want what he has planned.  At least that's what I say.  I sing "I will not fear.  His promise is true.  My God will come through.  Always."  But, I didn't live that.  I didn't put my trust or my fear there.  I trusted myself, and I feared my security.  Why are you fearful, you of little faith?  Matthew 8:26.

Now, I'm in a pickle - a really sour one.  Do I go back and gather the feathers I tossed into the wind?  Do I undo my decision?  How do I get back to the place of waiting for something better - waiting on the Lord?  There are other people involved now.  I have to confess and explain, and it won't make sense to them.  Heck, it isn't even something I can explain well to myself.  "I can't do what I promised, because I don't have a good feeling" probably won't go over well.  Or, do I fulfill this decision and my commitment and wait for God on the next one?