Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Sad Again

My apologies for being Debbie Downer lately.  There have been plenty of good things going on, too, but for some reason on those days the time to sit down and write is limited.  On the other hand, when my mind is occupied with something sad, or frustrating, or depressing all I can do is find time to think and write.  So here I am.
 
Thank you, Jesus, that my depressing moments are from my work life and not my personal life.  (Although I know we are not immune.  Just blessed.) 
 
A family that started out as patients of mine, but now I consider friends, lost their brother/son/friend/uncle last week.  Despite his battle with cancer over the last months, it doesn't make it less shocking and obviously not less painful at the age of 22.
 
Honestly, I didn't know him well like his family and friends did, but I was there when he first noticed a problem.  I was there when we found the lymph node and the c-a-n-c-e-r diagnosis.  I visited when he was in the hospital for the third time with a fever and no immune system to fight it - still a smile on his face.  I was there when his niece was born bearing his name and the proud moment he met her.  I listened to his mom and sister's worries.  I presented his case at a resident conference.  And I even got a prayer chain email from someone who didn't know my connection but was just asking for prayers when he got really sick after the transplant.  I feel like I've been there.  At least, my mind has been there.
 
Obviously, cancer, death, pain, and loss are unfortunate but common parts of my job.  Just in a few years time my heart is somewhat calloused to it all.  The words, "I'm sorry for your loss," have come out of my mouth enough times that it seems to have lost the sincerity.  Even so, when it comes to cases like this, it gets to me.
 
It's just one more example of the best and worst of my job.  While it has been an honor to be a small part of this family, this totally sucks.  Arg!

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Sleepless

Surprisingly, despite frozen images from my rotations in trauma, transplant, OB, clinic, etc... that are forever etched in my mind, there are very few things regarding my work that keep me up at night or make it into my dreams.  However, now it is 4AM, and here I am. 
 
Jason closed his eyes tonight and saw Thomas the Train (yes, he actually told me that; and, yes, I said Jason not Owen).  However, as I forced my eyes closed tonight, I saw something else completely.  Words that would describe this mental photograph are difficult to choose.
 
Tragedy overwhelmed by an odd sense of genuine, enthralling, and unmistakable beauty.  (I did my best, but somehow the words still seem hollow.)
 
There are also few things that make me love and hate my job to the extremes.  Those "things" are also the stuff we doctors can't, don't, won't, or rarely talk about.  Bad outcomes.  Dirty laundry.  Dilemmas.  Mistakes.  Gore.  The unexplainable.  You know, all the stuff they put on TV.
 
Sometimes I wonder why we tend to keep all that in.  It can't be good for our health - mental or physical.  Is it: HIPPA?  Fear of lawsuits?  Pride?  Humility?  A lack of anyone else understanding and therefore fear of somehow minimizing it?  Professionalism?  Tradition?  Who knows.
 
All I know, is that I can't sleep.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

A House Divided...

NO!  Susan and I are not splitting up...Abraham Lincoln gets the credit for those famous words, but it's actually Scripture from Mark 3:25 and it was Jesus who spoke those words.  I decided to raid Susan's blog because of something that has been weighing on my mind for a few days.   
I find it unreal that in the most advanced civilization ever created:

- 46 million people are on food stamps (Source: CNBC, June 2012)
- ER waiting rooms get bogged down by people without real emergencies who likely won't foot the bill and impeding the efforts of doctors and nurses trained to provide vital care to sick and dying patients (Source: numerous conversations with medical professionals who work in these places),
- 3.8% of California's population on government welfare (Source: AP, June 2012),
- Nearly 8% unemployment (Source: U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics), and
- $16 trillion in debt yet the problem is not one election or one candidate (Source: debtclock.org). 

The problem is what we accept in our culture.  Think about it, 50 years ago,  Kennedy (Dem.) said, "And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country."   I don't even necessarily like Kennedy but his words weren't divisive, just the opposite, and he surely didn't say "Ask what your government can give you..." or this is what I "promise the government will provide...".  I would say the party motto has changed.  (Side note: I am an Independent, largely because when George Washington left office he warned people about the newly forming political parties and the dangers they would create, questioning if we really wanted the future to be a divided nation.  Plus, I want the freedom to choose people who align closest with my beliefs).  When was the last time you heard one party speak highly of the other?  Are we united now that the election is over?  I did read some gloating comments and some no-so-happy comments Tuesday night so I am going on a limb and guessing we're divided. 

After working in schools for a few years I can tell you the Kennedy quote is not the mindset of our current generation.  It's not even the mindset of my own generation, sadly.  I am not even sure it's the mindset of the many from the generation before me.  There are certainly plenty of kids who have ambition, goals, and love being an American citizen but far too many of our American children and adults believe the government is here to provide for us - that it's the answer for jobs, bailing out bad decisions, and the economy.  That's FALSE - its us, it is our job to fix these problems. 

When the people fear the government, there is tyranny. When the government fears the people, there is liberty.  - Thomas Jefferson


Now, I know sometimes kids say things without thinking and don't fully understand how our government works.  Every year, when I read "promote the general welfare" out of the Constitution I inevitably have to explain to every class period this does not mean the check some of their families receive but that government is supposed to assure the general well being of all people (not support or finance them).  That's not a joke either - I get asked every time we cover it - every class period, every year.

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them. - Thomas Jefferson

My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.
- Thomas Jefferson

I never considered a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend. - Thomas Jefferson
 Part of the reason, I wanted to be a teacher was to help kids realize the American dream does exist but its about personal responsibility, gaining the ability to formulate your own opinions and being educated rather than ignorant.  Unfortunately, this dream that made our country great seems to be slipping away with each spending stimulus that adds billions to the debt, the mandates that take away personal freedoms, and that if you build wealth it will be taxed at high rates because you are an evil, rich person (punishing those who succeed).  Oddly enough, many of the same kids who shouted "Obama" in the halls on Tuesday and Wednesday have aspirations to be rich. 

I spend a lot of time thinking about the different shifts in American culture, ideals, and morals over the decades.  I may not be an "expert" but I get consumed with studying our country and how/why we achieved our freedom, the concerns of the Founders, the complexities of the Civil War, how Americans survived the worst period of poverty during the 1930s, and everything else in between.  Ask Susan - she'll likely say I am a "history nerd", which is true, so I ask:  How did we get here?  Why are we so divided?  Who do millions believe they are entitled to things they have not earned nor deserve?  When did it begin? 






Three things I have learned in the past year that gives me some comfort this political and financial mess could eventually be fixed in time:

1) We need to take control and responsibility of our personal lives - faith, family, finances.
2) Men need to be men, be there for our families and role model to them with real, Biblical values because let's not kid ourselves: politicians, athletes, video games, and MTV aren't getting the job done.  For many years, when parents were parents, schools were reinforcing what was being taught at home.  Now it feels reversed and we're hoping it's reciprocated in the home. 
3) Prayer - regardless of beliefs, opinions, views, and general dislike of others - we need to pray for our leaders, families, country, and its very flawed government.  People will fail us and so will governments but when we have full faith and trust in the Lord, He will not. 

Susan - I promise I will never take over your blog for a political rant again.  Besides, your blogs are much better than mine!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Ruined Halloween

"And be sure to tell your patient that she ruined Halloween," Jason said.  

That was when I got the page at 7PM Halloween night in the middle of our trick-or-treating that I was needed at the hospital for my laboring patient whose baby was now not looking so good on the monitors.  Of course by the time I threw/dropped/gently-placed Griffin in the wagon, ran (literally, ran) the three blocks back to my mom's to get the car, drove to the hospital, and hoofed it up the stairs to the 2nd floor Labor & Delivery, the baby's heart tones looked much better.  Sigh.  Still, she was ready to push, so we pushed.  I mean she pushed.  And pushed and pushed.  After 3 hours we had all had enough so we called in back up.  To make a very long story short she finally had the baby along with a rather large tear.  I finally made it back to my bed well after November had begun.  That's the life of a doc, I guess.

And, obviously, Halloween wasn't ruined.  I had already had plenty of trick-or-treating, and Griffin had reached the end of tolerating it several houses before that.  The fun part of Halloween for me is picking out their costumes, then getting them ready and seeing them all decked out, and of course eating all of their good candy.


Owen was "Dr. Owen" and he was sure to tell everyone that fact.

Griffin was the patient, and this is the only time he was happy in the ambulance.  He is 1 now, so he thought he totally needed to walk like everyone else.

The ambulance, complete with sirens, was the talk of the neighborhood.