I Lost

My apologies in advance for the rush of posts about near-end pregnancy.  However, now that I'm not working and on "maternity leave" my mind doesn't have much else to dwell on, and it has a lot of time to spend dwelling.

 

Yesterday at this time, I was 99% sure that today I would be showing you pictures of my adorable newborn son, revealing his name (which I think we have decided), and going over the story of his arrival.  I woke up yesterday morning with "that feeling," we inadvertently ate Arby's for lunch (which is Jason's tradition on the nights of each of the other boys' birth), and I started having strong contractions every 3-6 minutes apart.  The butterflies started tickling my stomach.  I was nervous.  I was excited.  This was it!

 

That wasn't it.

 

The contractions spaced out and then lightened up to a hardly noticeable squeeze.  By this morning at 2AM when my sleeplessness hit, all sense of hope was gone.  Mindlessly scrolling through facebook comments about other people having their babies and cute newborn photos were all I could see.  It seemed that everyone else got to have their baby on May 2nd.  Then the tears came.

 

Disappointed.  Angry.  Frustrated.  Tired.  Inpatient.  Sad.  Jealous.  Embarrassed.  Uncomfortable.

 

I spent the next two hours silently (other than the clink of my spoon against the bowl during my 3:30AM cereal snack) arguing with God about who should decide when this baby will come - him or me.

 

My end of the debate started as I reminded Him that I had been praying.  I hadn't forgotten about Him.  I prayed for April 25th, then 29th, then 30th, then...  I had good reasons for those days, too.  First, I wanted to avoid my last family practice call, and FYI it did turn to be a bad one so I had all the more reason to be mad I had to endure that.  Next, I planned on days when I "knew" he would come because he was going to follow Owen's and Griffin's trend of coming at 37 weeks 6 days and 38 weeks 0 days.  It wouldn't be natural for the third kid to go any longer than that.  I also thought an April birthday would be better in our family because we already have one in May.  Then, I expectantly prayed that he would be here for Dr. Johnson left for vacation - today.

 

I then reminded God that the baby is full-term, his lungs are developed, and the longer he stays inside the bigger he gets and more likely to cause problems on the way out.  I am a doctor, after all.  I know.

 

Eventually, I just pleaded that the day didn't really matter so why couldn't He let me win this one and whatever reason he had for making me wait he could work out a little sooner.

 

With my Bible open, my reasoning soon sounded more and more ridiculous.  But I still was frustrated, ready to be done, tired, anxious, determined, and ready to hold my baby somewhere other than directly on my bladder.

 

God's answers started flooding in as I thumbed through some of my favorite books.  Verses I have read, circled, and underlined before seemed to be a clear voice speaking directly into this exact circumstance.

 

Genesis 2:7.  Deuteronomy 10:12.  Psalm 25:4-5 116:7 & 139:23.  Proverbs 16:2&9.  Jeremiah 29:11-13.  Micah 7:7.  Matthew 11:28.  Luke 6:46 & 12:25-26.  2 Corinthians 1:9.  Ephesians 5:16.  Philippians 2:13 & 4:6,8.  Colossians 1:17 & 3:2.  1 Thessalonians 5:18.  1 Timothy 1:16.  Hebrews 4:12,13,15 6:15 10:22 & 11:9.

 

It was abundantly clear that I had lost this debate long before it had started.  God is in control.  Not me.  He breathed life into this child.  Not me.  God has my interests at heart still in the grand scheme of His eternal will.  He is listening.  He will free me from anxiety, pressure, and worry and let me rest.  He knows my true motives.  He knows what it takes to be patient and tempted.  He will keep His promises and reward those who are faithful in facing the unknown.

 

While I don't lose many battles in this house, this one I wholly admit defeat.  And, I am so glad.  To turn over those weighty emotions of false control and let the future rest in some very capable hands means I should sleep well tonight.  Finally.