In honor of Susan ending her residency and as husband of said "former" resident I felt the need to hijack her blog one last time. This is one topic I have been pondering since last March.
I believe I speak for all doctor and resident spouses when I say I hate pagers. I mean, seriously, the only people who carry pagers are drug dealers and doctors. I feel like the 1% of society who has actually heard a beeper "page" sound and the .5% of the population that has heard that sound at 3AM when I need to wake up in two and a half hours. I will never escape the sound of a drunk woman (who truly sounds like a man) asking for pain killers but I will be set free from the chains resident pager!
So in honor of the worst, most outdated device that is still used in 2013 I have devised 101 ways to kill a resident's pager. You may think less of me, then again you most likely haven't had it wake up you up in the middle of the night for people calling about chapped lips, butt soreness, slight fevers, toe pain, and other things that can't mentioned a blog young eyes may see.
1) Smash it with a hammer (I've had dreams about this one).
2) Strap it to an M-80.
3) Pager skeet shooting.
4) Firing squad.
5) Throw it in a lake.
6) Feed it to an alligator.
7) Place it on a launchpad and let a rocket launch over the top of it.
8) Mail it to Death Valley.
9) Bury it in cement.
10) (Here's the run it over section) - Run it over with a M-1 Abrams tank.
11) Run it over with a garbage truck with Owen driving.
12) Run it over with my lawnmower.
13) Run it over with skid loader.
14) Run it over with a massive dump truck.
15) Run it over with Komatsu 9xx Series mining truck.
16) Run it over with a space shuttle conveyor
17) Run it over with a golf cart.
18) Run it over with a drag racing car.
19) Tee it up and hit it with a steel driver.
20) Strap it to the front of a demo derby car.
21) Cast it as a lead for a "Saw" movie.
22) Toss it off Mt. Everest.
23) Tape it to the helmet of an NFL linebacker.
24) Drop it from an airplane.
25) Leave it alone with Griffin (he destroyed my otter box)
26) Set it on a batting tee and it hit.
27) Leave it in a Las Vegas back alley.
28) Leave it in a rainstorm (didn't work on my phone - thanks otter box pre-Griffin).
29) Place it on top of the TIV (tornado intercept vehicle).
30) Strategically place it under softball-sized hail.
31) Place it in the path of a wildfire.
32) Skip it across pavement.
33) Throw it against a brick wall.
34) Baseball bats - Office Space Michael Bolton printer style.
35) Toss it from the Omaha pedestrian bridge into the Mighty Missouri (it won't come back!)
36) Strap it to a salmon in the Alaska wilderness.
37) Spray it with a fire house.
38) How could I forget running it over with a Double Drum Asphalt Roller?
39) Take it apart piece by piece.
40) Drop it in a glacier crevasse.
41) Chainsaw it - enough said.
42) Make it sit through the History Research class I took at UNO - great topic, terrible professor.
43) Make it sit through Psych. 101 at UNL - interesting topic, terrible "professor".
44) Make it sit through Philosophy 101 at UNL - ok topic, terrible "professor and GA".
45) Have it watch the movie "Gigli"
46) Have it watch the movie "From Justin to Kelly"
47) Have it watch the movie "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2"
48) Have it watch the movie "3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain"
49) Set it on train tracks.
50) Place it under a stump grinder
51) Pour poison hemlock all over it.
52) Mail it to an Afghan prison.
53) Read it the Life and Times of FDR.
54) Trash Compactor.
55) Throw it in the sewer.
56) Throw it into the Staypuff Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.
57) Bury it in my neighbor's back yard.
58) Leave it in a forest covered in blueberry syrup.
59) Smash it with a boulder.
60) Leave it in the middle of I-80.
61) Skydive it without a 'chute.
62) Strap it to the front of bowling pins.
63) Drill a smily face into it.
64) Make it smell one of Griffin's poopy diapers.
65) Soak it in the bathtub.
66) Smother it in fish guts and go shark fishing in Ocean.
67) Cover it in cement.
68) Put in in the microwave.
69) Incenerate it with rubbish.
70) Nail gun it to the floor of a roller skating rink.
71) Sliding it through a table saw.
72) Mail it to Aaron Hernandez's house.
73) Flush it down the world's largest toilet.
74) Smother it peanut butter and teach Herbie (our dog) how to play fetch with it.
75) Tuck it into the Mawashi of a sumo wrestler before a match.
76) Spike it into a lightning rod on top of a skyscraper.
77) Let Ozzy Osbourne bite it during a concert.
78) Slide it into the Gallagher watermelon routine.
79) Stick it in Jell-O and leave it in Dwight's desk.
80) Throw it in a wood chipper.
81) Replacement for the firewood in the chiminea.
82) Grill it. Saute it. Boil It. Broil It. Pager Soup. Pager Gumbo - Bubba Gump style.
83) Stick it inside of Oofy (Owen's stuffed puppy).
84) Dropping it into a body during surgery - of an annoying patient of course.
85) Take it to my boys' daycare.
86) Toss it into molten lava on a Hawaiian vacation.
87) Drill press.
88) Enter it into the witness protection program.
89) Get it involved in the mafia.
90) Field goal kick practice it with steel toed boots.
91) Leave it "accidentally" at a construction project.
92) Throw it against a tree - numerous times.
93) Mistakenly drop it in the state fair deep fat fryer I bought my fried Oreos from.
94) Sell it on an infomercial as an antique.
95) Ask an 8th grader to hang on to it for the night and bring it back the next day.
96) Slam it in the car door.
97) Set it on snow skis and aim it at a tree.
98) Test if the Ginsu knife chops plastic.
99) Feed it to a whale.
100) Strap it to a wall and shoot a cannonball at it.
101) Susan's method - Just turn it in to Family Practice because RESIDENCY IS OVER!!!!
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