I've learned that I like being a doctor.
After 24 years of continuous education, six figure level of student loan debt (which, by the way, is now under $70,000 - we're almost half way there!), and waiting nearly three decades to start my first "real" job you are probably thinking: I would hope you actually like it!
Still, after this long, it's not all that difficult to give in to the scars of burnout. There are a lot of not fun nor glamorous things about this job. There are sleepless nights. There are patients who cuss me out on the phone when I don't give them what they want (and usually those are the same people who cause the sleepless night). There is death and dying. There is also, obviously, blood, guts, private parts, poo, puke, pain, & suffering, too. I've talked to more than one currently practicing doctor who said if they knew then what they know now they probably would have chosen a different career. Honestly, there have been more days than I'd like to admit that I'm in that camp, too. It's difficult work. It's physically, emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually exhausting work. It's work where the heaviness of the responsibility can leave you feeling inadequate and helpless. And, unfortunately, sometimes I feel like it is becoming unappreciated work.
Yet, here I am, on the brink of being unleashed and despite all of that, saying that I really do enjoy my job!
The bad moments are offset by moments when new parents want to take a picture of me with their fresh newborn. There are hugs from patients to help me forget the ungrateful ones. It is so worth it to help someone end this life gracefully with dignity. I don't take it for granted that I get to do that, and be a part of that, every day.
Yes, I understand there are other careers that are challenging and rewarding. I know great nurses, stay-at-home moms, ministers, business owners, and students, to name a few who, would deservedly say the same about their line of work. And, don't forget, I'm married to a middle school teacher if you want to talk about challenging! But, I don't think anything else on this planet can compare to being a physician - especially a primary care physician. It's awe-some.
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I've learned that I love being a mother.
I chose to be physician. I planned it and worked hard to get it. I put in the hours. I put in the years. In May, 2010, I was branded with "M.D.," and, hopefully, when everything is official in a few weeks I'll be titled "Board Certified." It wasn't a whim, and it surely wasn't an accident.
Actually, despite what I may have said, becoming a mom wasn't a whim or an accident either. It never is. Years ago, I thought I had it planned. Then we tried. And then I learned that actually God had it planned instead. We went over a year with only one line on that stupid pregnancy stick. Then we gave up, or maybe just gave in. And then...
Then one day, I peed on a stick. That was all it took. I was, from that moment on, a "Mommy." No degree required. No manual or over-priced textbook. No plan. (That's why they were "unplanned.") I didn't have to take a class, and the test I took wasn't one to pass or fail. That's it. Here you go, Susan, here's your son. Here's your other son. And, here's another. I wish you could see the smile on my face right now. You're a mom. After being called a lot of things, Dr. Newman included, there is still nothing sweeter to respond to than, "Hey, Mommy."
There are a lot of unglamorous things about this position, too. I still often find myself surrounded with blood, private parts, puke and poo. It, also, is exhausting. But again, those moments are far outweighed by the freeze-frame moments with them snuggled in my lap, or sitting by me quietly on the front porch waving at cars, or sprinting down the hall full speed screaming my name and crashing into my knees.
Some day, I will probably not be a doctor. Sure, I may always have the degree or the title. But some day I'll stop delivering babies, stop taking midnight calls, stop getting up early to make rounds at the hospital, and stop taking appointments at clinic. I'm totally okay with that, because I hope my legacy isn't just that I was a doctor. I hope my legacy is that I was Jason's wife and Owen, Griffin, and Jordan's mother. I will never not be a mom.
And I LOVE that.
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